Discipline, like many parenting responsibilities, can often leave parents feeling confused and frustrated. It can be difficult to know what works best to guide children’s behavior and help them learn to manage their emotions, while also maintaining a positive, loving relationship with them. It’s common for parents to seek out traditional methods, such as consequences, to deal with their child’s frustrating, undesirable, or dangerous behavior. These methods can seem like a quick and effective way to stop undesirable behavior or learn preferred skills or behavior.
While consequences may work in the short term by getting children to follow rules, over time they can actually get in the way of kids developing the motivation to take responsibility and make good choices for themselves. Also, children experience consequences as coercive which leads to resentment and unnecessary power struggles, negatively impacting the parent-child relationship and children’s sense of self-worth and self-esteem.
To raise children who become happy and secure adults who are able to make healthy choices throughout their lives, it’s more effective to parent for the long-term than to rely on short-term fixes like consequences.
The Downside of Consequences
The reasoning behind consequences is that they teach children that their actions have repercussions and that they need to understand “right from wrong.” For example, if a child hits their sibling, they may receive a “time-out” or if they don’t do their homework, they may lose screen time on their device. Parents generally use consequences to motivate children to make better choices in the future. However, this approach overlooks the developmental needs of children. Here are some reasons why consequences can be ineffective:
Power Struggles May Occur – Consequences can lead to power struggles, which can have lasting negative effects on children. Drs. Martha Heineman Pieper and William J. Pieper explain the reason for this as follows, “Discipline works only because we are bigger and stronger, and we control the resources [children] need. Given that the ultimate basis for our ability to manage our children’s behavior is power, and given that all children copy the way their parents treat them, how we use the power we have will shape the way our children treat themselves and others.”
Underlying Feelings Are Ignored – Consequences don’t consider the emotions behind a child’s behavior. When children act out, the behavior is caused by an unmet emotional need or a struggle they are having. For example, when a child throws a tantrum, they aren’t trying to be difficult; it’s because they are overwhelmed, tired, or upset, and don’t have the maturity or language to express their frustration. When parents don’t address a child’s underlying emotions, the child can feel misunderstood and confused by the resulting consequence.
The Parent-Child Relationship Can Be Weakened – Consistently using consequences can lead to a breakdown of trust between a parent and child. Over time, this may lead to a child not wanting to seek out their parents for support. As they get older, the child may hide behaviors and activities from their parents that they know will get them into trouble.
A Child’s Willingness to Cooperate is Diminished – Consequences focus on correcting a child’s behavior in the moment, but they do not help them understand why the behavior is undesirable and/or dangerous. For example, a young child is likely not able to understand that crossing the street alone is dangerous and they could get hurt.
Alternatives to Using Consequences
So, how can parents move away from using consequences as a means of managing their children’s behavior? The key is to focus on strengthening the bond with your child and then using that connection as a basis for managing their behavior. Here are some ways to do this:
Be Empathetic – Instead of looking at the behavior, try to view the situation from the child’s perspective. This involves identifying what the child is feeling and helping them navigate those emotions. To do this, try to listen without judgment, validate your child’s feelings, offer comfort and support, and ask gentle questions about what may have led to the behavior. For example, if a child is having a tantrum because they don’t want to leave the playground, a parent could say, “I know it’s hard to leave when you’re having fun. Once we get home, would you like to pick a game we could play together?” By responding with empathy and understanding instead of consequences, you can build a more positive relationship with your child, which can help them handle their emotions.
Model Desired Behavior – As discussed above, children copy the way their parents treat them. By demonstrating patience, empathy, and problem-solving, parents can show how to work through big feelings constructively. For example, if your child had one too many cookies, rather than imposing a consequence, parents can model how to recognize and understand their feelings, “I know how much you like cookies and it can be hard to only have one. But if we have too many sweets it can make us feel sick. Next time when you want an extra cookie or sweet, let me know and we can work it out together.” This models how to communicate feelings calmly and work through conflicts constructively.
Encourage Collaboration and Communication – It’s helpful for parents to have conversations with their children about what went wrong in a given situation and how to make it right. Doing so allows them to feel understood and encourages them to problem-solve and understand why the behavior is troublesome. For example, after a parent explores with their child their feelings behind the behavior, they could say, “I wonder if there are other ways you can let me know when you are feeling bored?”
Avoid Natural Consequences – While children will naturally experience consequences on their own, such as while at school, parents should avoid intentionally using natural consequences. For example, if a child refuses to wear a coat in the middle of winter, instead of letting them experience the natural consequence of being cold, bring a coat along with you or stick it in their backpack, just in case your child gets cold. As Drs. Pieper explain, “When you stand by and let bad things happen, your child experiences the twin disappointments that something went wrong and that you did not seem to care enough about her to lift a finger to help prevent the mishap.”
While consequences have been a traditional tool in parenting, they are often ineffective in fostering the long-term goals of parenting, i.e., raising happy, healthy children who can regulate their emotions and make healthy choices as adults. By shifting away from consequences to a more empathetic approach that is based on a strong parent-child relationship, parents can strengthen trust and build lasting cooperation with their children.
Sources
Smart Love: The Comprehensive Guide to Understanding, Regulating and Enjoying your Child, Martha Heineman Pieper, Ph.D. and William J. Pieper, M.D., Harvard Common Press, 1999.
Smart Love Solutions in Early Childhood: A Handbook for Parents, Teachers, and Caregivers, Martha Heineman Pieper, Ph.D. and William J. Pieper, M.D., Smart Love Family Services, 2010.
The Consequences of Using Threats in Parenting, Kiva Schuler, Jai Institute of Parenting website, March 11, 2022.
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