From birth, children seek their parents’ love and attention and have a strong desire to explore the world around them. As they grow, the need to explore their world never ceases but then dovetails with their desire to try things on their own. Parents of toddlers will recognize this desire when their toddler insists on doing things independently, such as wanting to dress themselves or pour their own glass of milk.
Along with establishing a loving relationship with your child, supporting their autonomy helps build their confidence and sense of self. Of course, supporting children’s autonomy requires a certain amount of patience and understanding from parents. This is because tasks will most likely take longer to complete and will undoubtedly involve mistakes and messes along the way.
The following are some strategies for supporting your child’s march towards independence:
Establish Routines: Having consistent, daily routines helps children build habits. Routines can include any sequence of events that happen throughout the day. Examples include the steps to brushing their teeth (turn water on, put toothpaste on toothbrush, brush, rinse, etc.) and going to the park (put on coat and shoes, pack a snack, bring a toy).
As children become accustomed to these routines and try to do things for themselves, their abilities too will grow and they may want to take on more steps of a routine independently, like putting the toothpaste on their toothbrush or putting on their pajamas. Allow your child to make mistakes and offer help when your child asks for it, without forcing them to do it by themselves. This sends the message that you have confidence in their ability to do certain tasks on their own but that you are always there to help them if needed.
Provide Choices: Offer children choices within set boundaries. For example, let your young child choose their outfit from a selection of clothes or decide between two snacks and then praise their ability to make their own decision. Doing so helps children feel in control and capable of making decisions.
Providing choices is especially useful when your child insists on doing something that is not safe, such as crossing the street by themselves. In this example, you can give your child a choice, such as holding your hand or being carried, so that they can feel empowered while also being safe.
Allow Children to Help: As you’ve probably experienced, children love to help their parents with tasks. Allowing them to do so not only strengthens their confidence but also provides an opportunity for parents to foster connection and strengthen their relationship with their child. For example, if your child wants to help you cook dinner, you can find ways to include them by breaking down the process into steps that they can easily take on themselves. Maybe after you chop vegetables, your child could place them in a bowl and then gather the scraps into another bowl that they can take to the garbage.
Encourage Age-Appropriate Tasks: Involve your child in age-appropriate tasks like setting the table, picking up toys, or helping with laundry. It’s best to ask your child if they would like to help with a task and then follow their lead to determine how comfortable they are with the task. Sometimes they may want to try to do something themselves and other times they may want your help. Again, this is another opportunity to strengthen your parent-child relationship. By involving your child in tasks but also gauging their comfort-level with doing them, you can gain insights into your child’s development and respond in a way that supports them.
Be Patient and Allow for Mistakes: Learning a new skill takes time and patience. It’s important to allow your child to make mistakes and to help them understand their feelings if they become frustrated. Try to acknowledge that something is difficult and let your child know that you are proud of them for trying to do a new or difficult task. However, it’s important to praise the effort and progress instead of the end result by saying something like, “Good for you for not giving up even when it got difficult,” instead of “I’m so proud of you - great job tying your own shoes!” This positive reinforcement helps strengthen a child’s confidence and motivates them to keep trying.
Nurture Free Play: Unstructured play time can foster creativity, problem-solving, and agency. Although the play is unstructured, engaging with your child while they play offers a wonderful opportunity to connect and learn what interests them. While playing, allow your child to determine the rules of play and be prepared to offer your enthusiasm and support as they share what they are learning and exploring.
Nurturing independence in young children is a rewarding process that lays the foundation for their future well-being and sense of self-esteem. By encouraging age-appropriate tasks, providing choices, creating a supportive environment, and offering your patience and kindness, parents can help their children develop the skills and confidence needed to navigate the world. Remember, your positive relationship with your child is the most important tool in nurturing their growing sense of competency. As Drs. Martha Heineman Pieper and William J. Pieper explain, “Genuine self-esteem starts with the feelings of being lovable, loving, and loved that children get from parents and other important adults.”
Sources:
Smart Love: The Comprehensive Guide to Understanding, Regulating and Enjoying Your Child, Martha Heineman Pieper, Ph.D. and William J. Pieper, M.D., Harvard Common Press, 1999.
How to Build Independence in Preschoolers, Alexandra Levine and Laura Philips, Child Mind Institute, childmind.org/article.
Commentaires