Parenting has always been stressful, but it seems that American parents have reached a new level of stress, as indicated by the surgeon general’s recent advisory on the mental health and well-being of parents.(1) While trying to handle the demands of everyday life on top of worrying about our children’s physical and mental health, safety, and their future lives, it’s understandable that we may be feeling stressed, anxious, and frustrated. Recognizing and managing these emotions are crucial not only for parents' well-being but also for creating a positive environment for their children.
How parents respond to stress and frustration can affect their children, so it’s important to practice strategies that can help minimize any negative impacts on children. Let’s look at some ways to cope when parenting (and life) become overwhelming, and you feel like you’re going to feel so frustrated that you respond in ways that are not good for you or the people you love.
Adjust Your Expectations
Parents can often feel pressure to be perfect. This pressure can come from various sources, such as social media, well-meaning family members and friends, and even ourselves. It’s helpful to remind yourself that parenting isn’t about being perfect. Instead, remember that as long as you are being kind and understanding toward yourself as a parent and making an effort to take care of your own personal needs (e.g., getting a sitter so you can have a date night, having lunch with a friend, and/or going to the gym when possible) will not only be good for you, but will help you nurture a loving relationship with your children and keep them safe. Plus, you’ll be more patient and less likely to feel stressed about being a perfect parent.
Consider Your Child’s Developmental Stage
Toddlers and young children are still developing and express their emotions through their behavior. When children are struggling with their emotions, they tend to act out. By accepting that most behavior children display is normal and appropriate for their age, you can shift your focus from frustration to understanding. Doing so can help you stay calm in challenging situations and not lash out in anger. As Drs. Martha Heineman Pieper and William J. Pieper advise, “The best way for parents to keep their anger from having a negative impact on their children’s emotional development is avoiding holding their children responsible for their angry feelings.”
Take a Break and Apologize
Sometimes you may need to take a brief break to regain your composure if you’re feeling too stressed and anxious in a challenging moment with your children. In these moments, take a deep breath, go into another room for a moment to compose yourself, and try not to communicate your anger to your children. However, it’s important to return to your child quickly and reassure them that they didn’t do anything wrong. You could say something like, “I see how upset you are, and I understand how hard that is. I’m sorry I had to walk away from you; you didn't do anything wrong. I just needed to collect my thoughts. I’m here now if you want to talk or do something fun together.” If, despite your good intentions, you lose your temper with your children, you can neutralize the effect on them with a straightforward apology, saying something like, “I’m sorry I got angry with you. You didn’t do anything wrong. Would you like to tell me what was on your mind?”
Choose Caregiving Pleasure
Caregiving motives are your desires to respond to your child’s needs. When you act on your caregiving motives, you give your child the special happiness that comes from knowing that they have inspired you to respond in a consistent and caring manner to their needs for love, care, and attention. (In contrast, personal motives are your personal needs and desires like hobbies, friendships, relationships, work demands, the tasks of daily life, as well as expectations of oneself and others.)
Instead of trying to change your child’s behavior by expressing your frustrated feelings or disapproval, it’s more effective to think about what your child needs in the moment. When you do so, it’s possible to replace your anger and frustration with compassion for what your child is feeling. Doing so will lay the foundation for a positive and loving lifetime relationship with your child as they grow older. As Drs. Pieper explain, “While satisfying the emotional needs of children is time consuming, there is no good alternative to this commitment and there is no room for shortcuts or half measures.”
Change Your Perspective
Sometimes just thinking about a situation differently can help you find some peace when you’re feeling overwhelmed. For example, if you walk in from work exhausted and feel resentful that now you must make dinner for your family, try reframing how you feel about this task. This can be as simple as thinking of it as “I get to provide a healthy meal for my family,” instead of “I have to get dinner on the table.” By doing so, you may be able to make the many daily tasks you do as a parent more meaningful.
Make Time for Yourself
As mentioned earlier, the importance of self-care cannot be overstated. Parents are pulled in many directions but taking time to focus on yourself is critical to your well-being. Whether it’s a hobby, reading, or a quick coffee break, time to yourself is essential for recharging. Schedule “you time” just as you would a work meeting and try to make time for hobbies, and spending time with your partner and friends.
Seek Support
Sometimes you may not be able to handle a challenging situation on your own. In these instances, one of the best things you can do is reach out to others for support. Try talking to your partner, a friend, or other parents, who can help validate your feelings, provide guidance, and offer support. If your stress becomes overwhelming, consider speaking to a mental health professional, who can provide the time and space for you to express your feelings without judgment.
Parental stress is common and completely natural, but with the right strategies it can be managed effectively. By taking small, intentional steps to care for your own well-being, you’ll be better able to strike a constructive balance between your personal and caregiving motives, which will help you enjoy parenting while building a positive, loving relationship with your children. Remember, by handling stress in healthy ways, you are also modeling for your children how best to handle difficult situations.
Sources
Smart Love: The Comprehensive Guide to Understanding, Regulating and Enjoying your Child, Martha Heineman Pieper, Ph.D. and William J. Pieper, M.D., Harvard Common Press, 1999.
Smart Love Solutions in Early Childhood: A Handbook for Parents, Teachers, and Caregivers, Martha Heineman Pieper, Ph.D. and William J. Pieper, M.D., Smart Love Family Services, 2010.
Feeling Overwhelmed with Parenting Demands?, Healthy Children website, July 26, 2022, www.healthychildren.org.
How to Deal with Anxiety as a Parent, Get Parenting Tips website, Connie Leon, www.getparentingtips.com
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